What Matters in Dating
Some of the advice I give in my seminars and personal coaching as a professional dating coach is quite simple. I try to break it down to the basics. Why know all of the fluff, when you need to understand the principals?
The funny thing is most people want the fluff. They want the quick fix: “What do I say?” “How to I approach someone?”
The fluff quickly floats away and you are back to square one. Do the hard stuff.
First: approach more people. See that cute girl waiting in line for a bagel in the morning? Go and just say hello. Ask her what she’s getting. The main issue is that most people hide themselves. How is she or he going to ever meet you if you don’t put yourself out there? A simple hello or talking about your surroundings is sometimes all it takes.
Second: Fail more. You may think you know your limits, but in fact most of my clients have no idea what they are capable of. Fear is nothing more than you approaching a perceived limitation or a boundary of what you think you know. What you need to do is move one step beyond it. High-Five a stranger! Walk up to that cute guy in the bookstore and ask him if he has cats! Slip someone a note in the coffee shop. Whatever you do, don’t assume you know the outcome.
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We have too many automatic thoughts in our head. See what we really don’t know and experiment with what you think you really know.
Third: Have an awesome life that you love to live. Love is about connecting. Live you passions. What better way to connect with people than discussing what really moves you?
If you don’t know you passions, start experimenting with everything. Try Tango. Try rock climbing. Try painting. Try skeet shooting. Some things may work. Some may not. However, in the end you will see much more of whom you are and what you love.
People in general want to be around awesome people. They want to be around passionate people. Find your loves in your life and don’t be afraid to find more. Be willing to express this. How else are you going to connect with someone else?
Be sure to go after what you want.
If you find that person attractive, be willing to tell them that in some form. Maybe it’s a glance or something verbal. Go for it! You might be surprised on the response. That person might just like you too! If it doesn’t work out, learn from it. Failure is a good thing.
How else can you learn? Seek truth. That person is out there looking for you too.
Why Happy Is Sexy
One of the main reasons people want to get physically fit or buy new clothes is to feel and look sexier.
But it’s not guaranteed.
Perhaps you’ve had this experience. You wear an outfit that you feel really good in, where you feel you could walk in to any room and approach any person you find attractive. Then a month later, you’re wearing the same exact outfit, but your mojo is gone. You feel blah, perhaps even ugly. Or maybe you’ve had the opposite experience where you’re wearing a boring outfit and your hair is nasty greasy, but you’re still feeling good about yourself and life in general. And despite your frumpfest, somehow you’ve got people coming up to you more than ever.
Now what caused the switch? Chances are you probably look and weigh the same as you did last time you wore that outfit, but what’s shifted is your mood.
Sexiness is A VIBE YOU TUNE INTO, not something that you can get from someone or something outside of you. Yes, it’s good to take showers and wear nice clothes, but more important is to make sure you’re attending to your own mood, because that’s what people pick up the most. Your mojo doesn’t need clothes.
What things can you do to amp up your sexiness from the INSIDE out?
- Exercise. What better way to feel good about yourself than to get your endorphins up, get more present in your body and release stress? All those benefits will make you happier, and happy people are sexy people.
- Listen to music. Just like sexiness is a vibe, so is music. Everyone has a few songs that puts them in that frisky mood. I don’t care if it’s Britney Spears or Milli Vanilli. If it gets YOUR groove on, then that’s all that matters. Pump it up. Even better if you can dance to it.
- Smile. People are sexier when they smile. Faking it until you make it is okay here, but don’t make it a frozen, creepy permagrin. Do your best to have a genuine, relaxed smile and people WILL notice.
- Watch your body language. Wearing an Armani suit and some badass shoes is not going to do diddly if you’re walking around like Eeyore. As your body moves, your emotion follows. So keep your body language open and confident. Stand up straight, walk tall and keep your chin up.
- Observe your thoughts. See how you’re talking to yourself. If you were to speak your self-talk out loud, would it make you feel open and loved? Or would it make you feel small and insignificant? Practice talking to yourself in a way that lifts you up and treats you with respect.
Remember, looking sexy doesn’t always lead to feeling good.
But feeling good always leads to looking sexy.
We have too many automatic thoughts in our head. See what we really don’t know and experiment with what you think you really know.
Third: Have an awesome life that you love to live. Love is about connecting. Live you passions. What better way to connect with people than discussing what really moves you?
If you don’t know you passions, start experimenting with everything. Try Tango. Try rock climbing. Try painting. Try skeet shooting. Some things may work. Some may not. However, in the end you will see much more of whom you are and what you love.
People in general want to be around awesome people. They want to be around passionate people. Find your loves in your life and don’t be afraid to find more. Be willing to express this. How else are you going to connect with someone else?
Be sure to go after what you want.
If you find that person attractive, be willing to tell them that in some form. Maybe it’s a glance or something verbal. Go for it! You might be surprised on the response. That person might just like you too! If it doesn’t work out, learn from it. Failure is a good thing.
How else can you learn? Seek truth. That person is out there looking for you too.